Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
