Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
