Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
