Betty ford says i'm here all night
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
