Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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