whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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