You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
