I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
