ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
