If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
