i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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