I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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