so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
