i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Two words: blizzard sex
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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