I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My life is pants optional.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
