did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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