So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
