she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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