There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
