i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
