I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
