I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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