five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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