in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
even my farts smell like vagina
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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