I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
