I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
