Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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