i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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