Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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