If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
