I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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