I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
