I am in a vortex of obligation.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
