Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just invented taco cereal.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
