Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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