First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Randomize
