His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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