Can i not drive my cunt home
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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