my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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