I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
