a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.