This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
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THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
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Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders