He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
