so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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