You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
