hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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