sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
