my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
