and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
