I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
