I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
