Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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