Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
