so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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