He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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