Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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