It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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